We live in a capitalist world which emphasises the importance of winning. I believe this idea is tangled up with notions of masculinity and the patriarchy as a whole. But what does this do to us as individuals, and to our organisations? Is there value in losing, not by re-framing it as a step on the pathway to winning, but in the experience of losing itself? Psychotherapy as a profession often thinks of itself as outside of mainstream culture. But I wonder if it has been affected by this emphasis on winning, and by capitalist and patriarchal thinking. It’s the water we all swim in, and even very reflective psychotherapists may find it difficult to counter these effects.
Capitalism is focused on growth, emphasising the value of the individual. This growth is not spiritual, emotional or environmental but rather the growth of profit. The idea of a good citizen (or good consumer) is someone who is always hustling, and making money out of all aspects of their life. Our society values hard work perhaps more highly than any other attribute. Arguably psychotherapy has partly been co-opted by this and has partly bought into it. The Positive Psychology movement, rather than focusing on issues, problems, or weaknesses, instead focuses on strengths, assets, gratitude and so on. While there is value in this, I think it can (and has) become co-opted by capitalist growth culture. This shifts the responsibility for change away from society and onto individuals. For companies and organisations, this absolves them of responsibility and suggests that if someone is unhappy then they should do more breathing exercises rather than enact social change.
It makes sense to focus on what is good in our lives and on the things we can change, rather than those wider political or societal structures which may be out of our influence. But I think it may also be helpful to acknowledge those aspects that are beyond our influence and look at how they impact us, without dismissing them out of hand. Structural inequality, racism, sexism, the dangers of capitalism itself, climate change, global pandemics, bereavement, and loss – these are real and very affecting. What is it like to sit with the effects of these, to acknowledge on a deep level how they impact us? Not so that we can ‘get over them’ or move on, but simply to recognise and to be with them. There may be deep learning to be had in acknowledging the painful and difficult aspects of our lives.
Our emotional lives are affected by this capitalist motivation to keep moving, growing, and winning. Every damaging encounter becomes something to show our resilience: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. But sometimes painful experiences leave us weaker, not stronger. Deep wounds do not always fully heal. I think we can make a distinction between carefully dressing (or addressing) these wounds, and simply covering them up. I’m reminded of the ‘wounded healer’ story to which many therapists can relate. We know what it is to be hurt and use that experience to help others. But notice that first we must know our wound, not cover it up, otherwise in trying to help others we may not realise our limitations. There is worth in knowing our pain and its edges.
Grief, crippling anxiety, depression and so on can be incredibly difficult to bear. But allowing ourselves to sit with these feelings can bring about great learning. Grief can teach us about the nature of love; anxiety about the importance of feeling held; depression about the value of withdrawing from the world. However, I think it’s important to be able to sit with these difficult feelings, rather than try to turn them into positives. To invite our demons into our homes rather than fight them.
We are taught that masculinity is about not showing weakness, or perhaps even eliminating weakness altogether. Men or masculine people may reject the feminine parts of themselves, and outsource their weakness onto others. In heterosexual relationships, men are often taught that women want them to be strong, and to feel held and supported by them. But ignoring weakness and not understanding your limitations is not strength. Learning to be comfortable with all parts of yourself, and with experiencing loss, can bring with it a calmness and groundedness from which we can move to support others. We can support others while needing support ourselves. We can find more humanity through loss.
If you’ve been affected by grief or loss, feel free to reach out and book an initial session with me.