When I read about the benefits of meditation it’s usually aimed at people who are so busy that they don’t have time for themselves. A stereotype would be the business person who is cramming more and more into their life that they don’t have time to stop and breathe. That’s never been me, in fact it’s something like the opposite. During the difficult times in my life I have struggled to find direction, motivation, focus and to make meaning out of my life. It’s not been a case of doing too much, but not knowing where to start or which direction to go in. Like anyone, I can get busy and overwhelmed at times. But I know many people struggle with direction, being numb to themselves, not knowing what they want, or struggling to make meaning of their lives. At times like that I know I can find it difficult to get started. It can be easier to lose myself in routine, other people’s agendas, or even get busy. But the starting problem seems to be a disconnection with myself. This is where I’ve found meditation practice to be particularly helpful. I noticed this week that I’ve meditated for 200 consecutive days, which sounded like an opportunity to speak to the benefits.
Why we forget ourselves
There are many reasons to become numb to oneself. Developmentally, I might learn that expressing my needs does not get those needs met. Child development is partly learning to become an individual, and part of that process is separating from our caregivers. When we’re born we are not like horses coming out running, but entirely dependant on our caregivers (usually parents). When we feel hungry we cannot satisfy our own hunger, but have to rely on our parents to give us food. A normal part of child development is learning that sometimes when we’re hungry, food is not immediately provided. Hopefully, we are provided with food before long, and we learn that some amount of hunger is tolerable. We also learn to trust the world (our parents) will provide. However, that journey of separation from our parents can be a traumatic one. No parent is perfectly attuned to their child’s needs, and parents have their own needs too of course.
What happens if that discomfort becomes too much, or goes on for too long and becomes suffering? If we have inconsistent caregivers (e.g. one parent is attentive, the other is not), absent parents (emotionally or physically) or abusive parents (emotionally or physically), we may learn that our needs are ‘too much’ or that expressing them gets us nowhere (or worse). Because we are entirely reliant on our parents for survival, this is life or death stuff. The concept that the world (our parents) are flawed and may not be able to keep us alive is terrifying. It may be too difficult to process for a child. It may be much safer to assume that my needs are the problem. That there is something wrong with me (potentially fixable and in my control), not something wrong with the world (seemingly unfixable and out of my control). A sensible strategy might be to ignore one’s own needs, or become numb to them.
It may be worth emphasising that these are not usually conscious decisions on the part of the child. And they would, for many, not feel like decisions at all. Becoming numb to your own needs could be called a survival strategy. It may be the only ‘choice’ a child has. At the same time, you will see siblings react very differently to the same situation. I like to think about this as the ‘messages we receive’ from our parents. This is not the same as the messages that are sent, because we each receive them differently no matter what is said. Parents will not usually intend to cause their children suffering. Usually they are just wrapped up in their own lives, their own suffering. This does not diminish the impact that this can have on children. But we can see how suffering like this can easily be passed down through generations, while having empathy for those who pass on the stories they received.
Becoming numb to yourself can be thought of as a form of protection. I imagine a mouse hiding in a cave. The needs are still there, hidden safely away. However we learn to be as children is usually carried into adulthood. If we learn that our needs will not be met, we could become numb to them. Then in adulthood we continue that story into new relationships, continuing to hide a part of ourselves (even from ourselves). This can cause all sorts of issues, perhaps through unexplained physical pain, or in struggling to build/maintain relationships. Those strategies we learnt as children though were learnt when we were not fully developed, so were not able to look after ourselves. As adults, we can. If we become aware of the strategies we ‘chose’ as children, when we were limited in our choices and less developed than we are now, we can choose to continue them or change them.
Meditation to find meaning
That’s where meditation practice can really help. Spending years numbing your own needs might mean difficultly knowing what you want, or finding meaning/purpose. Your life might feel meaningless or even ‘dead’. I keep using the word ‘practice’ because meditation is a practice. Meditation may not lead to a sudden change, but through paying attention to your inner experience you will increase awareness to how you are feeling. But those strategies of being numb may have helped you survive, so they are not to be dismissed lightly. Meditation practice has been hugely beneficial for me, but it is a quiet, slow shift, not a dopamine hit. There are so many meditation practices or apps available. I tend to use the Insight Timer app which has many guided and unguided practices on there. But you have to be open to change in order to change, and you have to practice, over and over again. To keep coming back to myself has been a challenge, and still is. I’m also reminded of Oliver Burkeman, whose writing reminded me that our time on Earth is limited, so we have to prioritise what’s important to us now, not after we’ve ‘cleared the decks’.
If you cant find direction in life, struggle to make meaning of ‘what it all means’, or find it difficult to connect with enjoyment, it might be that you’ve learnt to disconnect from yourself. Meditation practice is one great way to re-engage, and to re-learn what you enjoy. Counselling can be another way to do this, and for me the combination of therapy and meditation has been invaluable on my journey to get in touch with that mouse in the cave. I sometimes hear dismissal of meditation for a few reasons so hopefully I can address some of these here…
“I’ve tried it, but it didn’t work / I’m bad at it”
Meditation may not be for everyone, but it may be worth exploring what ‘try’, ‘work’ or ‘bad’ means here. Meditation isnt about ‘doing’ but re-learning to simply ‘be’. It’s also unlikely to be an instant, huge life changing experience. Over time the practice can be hugely impactful though, shifting to a slower, more patient way of being. I’ve found I need to approach the practice with openness, and allow any feelings that come up to come up. Including frustration, boredom or sleepiness! Becoming distracted or sleepy during meditation is not a problem, but normal and even welcome. Any distraction is an opportunity to come back to the practice. Becoming distracted 1000 times in 5 minutes is 1000 opportunities to re-connect.
“I’m not a spiritual person”
I see a lot of men particularly assuming anything that sounds like ‘spirituality’ isn’t for them. Meditation often gets lumped into that category. Mindfulness meditation can be a great way into meditation, as although it does draw on Buddhist practice, it is often presented as a scientific, practical practice with the ‘spiritual’ element removed. This was how I found my way into it, as it was an easier pill to swallow. The fact is there is plenty of scientific evidence that it is effective at releasing tension in the body, easing stress, anxiety and low mood. You don’t have to be a spiritual person to engage in, what is essentially, just a practice of paying attention. It may also help to broaden the term ‘spiritual’ beyond religion, encompassing more of a transhumanism. A way to connect with other people, with our pets, with nature (both ‘out there’ and ‘in here’). Seeing it as a practical tool to improve your life can be a good way to get into it.
“What even is meditation really?”
Just that: deliberate paying attention. Usually this is attention to your own experience, anchored by something like noticing your breathing, or doing a ‘body scan’ exercise paying attention to each part of you in turn. It could be paying attention to sound, or linked to a particular phrase that helps ground you in the present. Or it could be more open to a general awareness of your whole self.
“I don’t have time”
When the water pipe bursts in your house, you will find time to get it fixed. When any emergency happens, other business has to be dropped. You may not currently have a spare 5 minutes during your day because you’ve filled it with important things. Of course, they are important. But if you need to find time to meditate, then you will.
Effects on my therapy practice
I’ve been meditating on and off for many years. But putting a deliberate daily practice into my routine is something I’ve struggled with. Over time, it’s just been about prioritising it. Having an app remind me was a good way to start, although I was mindful I didn’t want to ‘gameify’ meditation, or add another thing to my to do list. But the more I actively engage in it, the more the benefits are the motivation to continue. For me, I find it easy to fall into routines once the ball is rolling. This can be beneficial once a practice like this is set up, but it can also be a way of drifting through life without direction. I imagine a sailboat, once the wind has caught I enjoy the ride and forget where I was heading. And there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the ride! But direction is important to me too, and meditation has helped me re-connect with what is important in my life.
When I sit in a therapy room in Hove, or at my computer for online therapy, it feels like a trap to get caught-up in a clients story. People have very interesting stories. But I can only see someone from my own eyes, and the more I focus on them, somehow the fact that it is ME focussing on them can get lost. If I am not fully present with a client, then they lose the most effective part of therapy – me. Me the therapist, but also me the being. Meditation practice teaches me to re-connect with myself in each moment, to notice how a clients words or gestures are effecting me. Everything I feel is relevant, especially feelings like anger, boredom or attraction, which may feel taboo to acknowledge. It may not be appropriate for me to share everything I experience with the client, but it is always necessary for me to stay tuned to myself. The main reason therapy is effective, as is often repeated, is the relationship. And if I forget myself and ‘disappear’ at all from the person sitting opposite me then we can’t relate effectively.
I find it funny that I could continue to meditate every day for the next 10 years, but at the same time every single day I still have to choose it. Even if it becomes so habitual that I don’t feel like it’s a choice, it still is. I could go 3000 days of meditation and then forget on day 3001. It reminds me of the practice itself of paying attention to my breath, that part of the point is becoming distracted, in order to re-focus on the breath.
Feel free to drop me a line and book in a session…