Why worry? Because we’re human
On Anxiety and Counselling
I have been thinking about themes for these blog posts and realised that highlighting some emotions or experiences in relation to therapy might be helpful. Anxiety, anger, grief and loneliness for example. As a therapist I have particular knowledge of anxiety, and as a human I have even more ‘lived experience’ of it, so it feels like a good place to begin. Plus, it’s the Christmas holidays soon and I know many people, myself included, can feel anxiety increase around this time.
“In the garage, I feel safe, no one cares about my ways, in the garage, where I belong, no one hears me sing this song.” Weezer, In The Garage
According to therapist Ernesto Spinelli, the three principles of existential therapy are existential relatedness, uncertainty, and existential anxiety. Existential relatedness refers to relatedness existing before individual beings. First I relate, and then I exist, not the other way around. Uncertainty arises from relatedness. I cannot control what I experience or how I experience it because ‘I’ am only a part of this world. My world is uncertain because I am in relationship with the rest of the world, which is out of my control. Existential anxiety arises from the first two principles, as the lived experience of relational uncertainty. Anxiety, worry and stress are some of the responses to relational uncertainty, but so is excitement, opportunity, and creativity. I cannot have one set without the other. And so, the argument goes, existential anxiety is a part of being human. I cannot get rid of it, only change how I live with it.
Rollo May said anxiety was the experience of the threat of nonbeing. Death is one example of nonbeing, total conformity is another. If I am existentially and inescapably related to the world, then total conformity to the world means losing touch with the sense of ‘I’ or being. If I ‘lose’ myself completely in the ways of the world, and conform totally to the whims of others, it means a total reduction of freedom. So would anxiety not reduce in these circumstances? No decisions to make, no responsibility? Imagine the difference between being a child completely ‘held’ by Mum, safe and responsibility-free, with being imprisoned as an adult. As an adult I cannot ‘go back’ to this time, as I ‘know’ (through lived experience) that possibility exists. From his experience in a concentration camp, psychiatrist and author Victor Frankl described the one freedom that could not be taken from him, the ability to “choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” My freedom, and the accompanying anxiety, remain in all circumstances.
May says anxiety comes from possibility, and even in a concentration camp possibility still exists. Anxiety involves inner conflict, between being and nonbeing, between possibility and security. To take a less extreme example, if I am anxious about a job interview it’s probably because I want the job (through desire or need). I could try to avoid anxiety by not going for the job, but in doing so I would constrict myself, while that knowledge of the possibility (and my limiting it) does not go away. I think there’s truth in the symbolism of birth trauma as the prototype of all anxiety. Anxiety means ‘pain in narrows’ and ‘choking’ etymologically. Without the possibility of something being ‘born’ I wouldn’t experience anxiety. But I cannot avoid responsibility and decision-making. Not going for that job is a decision to constrict my life. The more I ignore my desires or potential, the more constricted and small my life seems. I imprison myself, and yet ‘know’ (even if it’s out of awareness) that the possibility for change still remains. This is the positive aspect of anxiety. It reminds me I am alive (with an end date), and have agency (although limited) and freedom (as well as restrictions). Although overwhelming anxiety can lead to difficulty in making decisions, it is inherently full of energy, possibility and movement.
“Anyone not wanting to sink in the wretchedness of the finite is obliged in the most profound sense to struggle with the infinite.”
― Søren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Anxiety
What to do about anxiety?
As I said above, anxiety cannot be eliminated, but I can change my relationship with it. I don’t think there’s a magic bullet, and ‘just follow these 5 steps!’ seems too simplistic and mechanical. I, for one, am not a robot (or at least, I don’t think so). From my experience owning my anxiety through talking to others about it can help, as I am a fundamentally relational being after all (or, before all). If I instead try to ignore or push away anxious feelings it feels analogous to someone telling me “Just don’t worry about it!” Oh if it were that simple… Trying to ‘lean in’ with curiosity can lessen the intensity of the experience, however paradoxical that sounds. ‘The way out is through’ and ‘turning to face your shadow’ are themes in many stories for a good reason. Learning to listen to anxiousness means tapping into energy and possibility, whereas trying to push it away feels restricting.
When I’ve been in the middle of a panic attack or anxiety has otherwise taken me over, there are some ‘techniques’ I have found helpful – focussing on my breath, sounds around me, or bringing awareness back ‘into my body’ (noticing my feet on the ground for example). I’ve found these techniques helpful, but they are more of a short-term solution to the immediacy of panic. I remember having a panic attack a few years ago after a document I’d been working on didn’t save, so I lost all my work. While grounding techniques helped me through the moment, the underlying problem remained – and it was not really about losing a Word document. When I look back, I was unhappy with my life at the time as I was not fulfilling my potential. I was avoiding ‘following my heart’ and had fallen into routines which were unsatisfying. In not actively choosing where my life was going, I had still made a choice, one that was more towards ‘nonbeing’ than ‘being’. The meaning of the word ‘be-ing’ is “be” (to grow) + “ing” (action). My anxiety was there to let me know I was constricting my life, and that my being demanded action.
“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”
― Doris Lessing
The goal of therapy, certainly existential therapy, is to help people realise and act on their potential. Some people come to therapy wanting to be fixed, thinking of themselves as mechanisms gone wrong. However, from an existential perspective the problem is not mechanical, so trying to employ a ‘fix’ would not be the appropriate solution. The problem is instead thought of as the loss of a sense of ‘being’. So the solution is to reconnect with relatedness, uncertainty and yes even anxiety! The solution is to listen to myself and to act upon my potential, to re-energise myself. It is not about becoming ‘well adjusted’ to the demands of the world but embracing the ‘dizzying freedom’ available to me.
While embracing authenticity and taking action towards my potential sound great on paper, in reality, we all have to contend with a complex world. A complexity that can seem impossible to navigate at times, from systemic injustice to living in an abusive relationship. These are not easy things to ‘deal with’. Sometimes I have found value in keeping my head down and being ‘inauthentic’ to remain safe. The thing about therapy is it can never be ‘one size fits all’ because each of us is dealing with the complexity of human life in the context of a complex world. These complications are what naturally emerge from a relational uncertain world, and inevitably anxiety will follow. How I live with it is up to me, born from my circumstances and experience. How you face it is up to you. I’m not suggesting this is easy. Therapy is one place we can wrestle with these things, as two relational beings.