If you ever wonder why you act a certain way in relationships, attachment theory may be able to help. This could be romantic relationships, or any other type of relationship for example with a friend of colleague. A word of caution: I think of theories of human behaviour like maps, in that they can be very useful but that we shouldn’t confuse them with the territory itself.
Attachment theory was developed in the 1960s and 70s by British psychologist John Bowlby and American-Canadian developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. They were interested in how people form emotional bonds, and in children’s experiences when they’re separated from their primary caregivers.
They found that as children we all have an innate need to form an emotional connection with someone. How much of our needs are met, if at all, and in which ways, leads us to form ‘attachment styles’. Our earliest relationships teach us how to navigate relationships with others. As children we develop ways of interacting with people which we then use as we grow into adults. It’s important to note that none of these styles are disorders, and all of them are valid ways of interacting with others.
1. Secure attachment
When a child feels safe, known, comforted, valued, and supported to explore their environment then they are likely to form a secure attachment.
Adults with a secure attachment will feel comfortable handling conflict, will feel secure both in relationships and on their own, and be confident at handling tasks on their own but also happy to ask for help.
2. Anxious attachment
If a child’s needs are inconsistently met they will not know what to expect from their caregivers, they may feel confused about what their caregivers’ behaviour means. They may be hyper-vigilant, and fear abandonment. Anxious attachment could also result from a caregiver prioritising their own needs over their child.
Adults with anxious attachment may have more confidence in other people than in themselves, find it difficult to make decisions, and need regular reassurance from others. They will often be very thoughtful and giving to others.
3. Avoidant attachment
If a child’s needs are regularly not met by their caregiver, if they feel misunderstood, ignored, not appreciated or heard, they may form an avoidant attachment. There may be a perception that the caregiver is not accepting of certain emotions.
Adults with avoidant attachment may appear to have more confidence in themselves than other people, find it difficult to ask for help, or seem distant and emotionally closed off. They will often be very sociable, value success or achievements, and self-reliant.
4. Disorganised attachment
If a child experiences fear from their caregivers, is abused or witnesses abuse, is rejected or neglected, then they may form a disorganised attachment.
Adults with a disorganised attachment may crave love and attachment, but also be afraid to let someone get close. Their behaviour may seem inconsistent to others. They may have a negative view of both themselves and others, and find it difficult to regulate their emotions.
Change is possible
Anxious, avoidant and disorganised attachment styles are all developed as ways of surviving childhood. So while some aspects of these styles may sound negative, they exist to keep us safe. There is nothing wrong with you if you have either of these styles of attachment. However because we develop and change as we grow older, the ways we learnt to survive the world as children may not always be the ways we wish to continue to act as adults.
The first step is recognising that our ways of being with others may not be serving us like they used to. The second step is curiosity in understanding why you developed these ways of relating in the first place. This will hopefully lead to a deeper understanding and some self-compassion. Through awareness and compassion, you can then actively choose to act differently. This can take patience and practice. Counselling can be a great way to explore this, so if you want to start this journey then feel free to contact me to arrange an initial session.